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Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? You don’t win friends with salad. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

I stand by my racial slur. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!